Monday Night Blues

I am so tired. And alone. I hate being alone. It's the most horrible feeling in the world. Well.. that and bad gas. Thank whoever for my cats. Except when they act like how Mahliboo is acting right now. I have her in my room with me (yes I'm scared) and she was in mid-lick and she just stopped, her ears pinned up and she darted off the bed. Prolly a spider. Eesh! Yuck..
So I have come to a fork in my path of life. What to do? Do I stay somewhere that is offering me more money, a hotel discount, staff that I like (except for a few), but low hours, other side of town and no chance for advancement OR do I go somewhere that will give me more hours, a hotel discount (as well), closer to home, lower wage, staff that I might particularly not like but a possiblility of advancement (the top of the throne!!)? Oh Jeeze.. what do I do?
This blog is going to be, from this moment on, the most random peice of cyberspace ever. I am going to look around my room and talk about things.. What? I don't wanna go to sleep yet (even tho I am dead tired)..
We'll start with my reflection in the mirror. I don't like it. Well.. on second glance.. I guess I kinda do. Kinda. I hate smiling tho. With teeth. I still have a damn baby tooth and it looks so uneven, like someone knocked my lights out and I'm redneck Shelley. Oh.. My.. Hipvits.. I just got the shit scared right outta me! Damn cats... anyways. K so yah. I'm now bored of randoms so you can have your 8.00 back cuz this is lame-o. I'm so bored lalala. And I hope I sleep in until 3 pm tomorrow so I don't have to be bored for longer. Oh Granola.. I feel sorry for people who move to another city for college or a job or whatever and they know no one. I'd go crazy. Yes.. me crazy.. with my cats! *insert cackle here* Well.. I guess I'll go play some games on PoGo until I get bored of that too.

You Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone

So I was just on Facebook looking at all my old pics of Calgary and it almost brought tears to my eyes. I miss it there so much. I miss being happy, even with all the stresses of no money and no job. I loved how everyone was so carefree and nice. Well everyone I came in contact with anyways. I can't wait til July 7th to go home before the flight to Vancouver. I know I'm going on vacation to Van City but I think I'm a little more excited to go home for a day. Weird I know. Maybe it's cuz I know Calgary and I know where I'm going. I'm scared shitless to drive in Vancouver. I've never flown without my mom. Even though I've only flown once. Do one thing that scares you daily. I'm so excited to fly. I love flying. I wish I was going to like Italy or something just to be on the plane longer. Oh well. I guess the hour long flight will do. I can't wait to book the hotel and the rental and do everything. I can't wait! Well I guess I shall go to the AirCanada website and look at the flight prices. Even thought mine is covered, I still need to know.
Oh yah.. one more thing. I've been vegetarian for 46 days today! Woo! Go me!

Damn You're Beautiful

Some say love is not for sinners

I believe that isn't true

Cause when I was finished sinning

Love came down and showed me you..

Dying To Live Again

No one reads this anyways..

I'm done. I'm sick and tired of being in pain. Both physically and emotionally. I can't handle this anymore. Everytime I turn around, I seem to be pissing EVERYONE off. Maybe I'll juss end that then no one has to be upset anymore. Including myself. I could run away, move to another city by myself, but people would prolly juss hate me there too. It seems everything I do or say ends up biting my ass in the end. Even tho I do nothing to deserve it. I mean c'mon, my family hates me, I don't have any friends.. Maybe I am doing something wrong? Jacob, I know that you have a dark side as well and I want more than anything to be with you and I know that you could've been the one to save me.. but I don't deserve you. You are way to good to be with someone like me. I would only bring you down and I don't wanna make anyone else disappointed with me. I hope one day you will find out that I truly love you, not only for how talented you are, but for a brief time in my life, you bring a smile to my face with just the thought of you. Don't let anyone stop you. You are amazing.

Isn't it funny when you think you can trust someone with your life. They go on and on and feed you information that you don't wanna hear. They insist that they are angels in disguise and that they can do no harm, when in fact, they are the ones who hurt you the most in the end. So I wanna say thank you my dear blank, thank you for making me believe that you were on my side, thank you for pulling me up with your gracious hand while I was falling and telling me everything will eventually be ok but having the other one behind your back with your fingers crossed, thank you for making me smile day after day but cry night after night for all the bullshit you spread. Thank you for ruining my life. Don't worry, karma is my friend and when it comes around, I'm sure she won't be pretty.

Dosen't it make you sick to think of all the bullshit in the world, all the murders, beatings, rape? Sometimes I wonder.. what drives a person to go that far? Now I think I'm beginning to understand. Sounds kinda sick eh, yah, that's cuz it is. I would never go that far.. But I have came to a realization tonight. I wanted kids so bad in the past. I don't think I do anymore. I don't wanna bring up offspring who could get treated the way I have been, I don't wanna bring up offspring knowing that they will eventually yell "I HATE YOU MOM" to me because I wouldn't let them out past their cerfew. That would kill me. I wish my cats would stop looking at me. I wish I was a cat. Paris Hiltons cat. Fuck that, I wish I was Paris Hilton. Beauty, brains, money.. I wish. Or maybe Kim Kardashian, she's beautiful. I just wish I wasn't me.

I need to find a job tomorrow. I have one.. er, HAD one. I'm not going in tomorrow. I know that is the stupidist thing that I could possibly do right now, but I need time off. I need to collect myself. I'm gonna regret it I'm sure. I regret alot of things. Like being born...

..no one cares what happens to me so why the fuck should I...