Dying To Live Again

No one reads this anyways..

I'm done. I'm sick and tired of being in pain. Both physically and emotionally. I can't handle this anymore. Everytime I turn around, I seem to be pissing EVERYONE off. Maybe I'll juss end that then no one has to be upset anymore. Including myself. I could run away, move to another city by myself, but people would prolly juss hate me there too. It seems everything I do or say ends up biting my ass in the end. Even tho I do nothing to deserve it. I mean c'mon, my family hates me, I don't have any friends.. Maybe I am doing something wrong? Jacob, I know that you have a dark side as well and I want more than anything to be with you and I know that you could've been the one to save me.. but I don't deserve you. You are way to good to be with someone like me. I would only bring you down and I don't wanna make anyone else disappointed with me. I hope one day you will find out that I truly love you, not only for how talented you are, but for a brief time in my life, you bring a smile to my face with just the thought of you. Don't let anyone stop you. You are amazing.

Isn't it funny when you think you can trust someone with your life. They go on and on and feed you information that you don't wanna hear. They insist that they are angels in disguise and that they can do no harm, when in fact, they are the ones who hurt you the most in the end. So I wanna say thank you my dear blank, thank you for making me believe that you were on my side, thank you for pulling me up with your gracious hand while I was falling and telling me everything will eventually be ok but having the other one behind your back with your fingers crossed, thank you for making me smile day after day but cry night after night for all the bullshit you spread. Thank you for ruining my life. Don't worry, karma is my friend and when it comes around, I'm sure she won't be pretty.

Dosen't it make you sick to think of all the bullshit in the world, all the murders, beatings, rape? Sometimes I wonder.. what drives a person to go that far? Now I think I'm beginning to understand. Sounds kinda sick eh, yah, that's cuz it is. I would never go that far.. But I have came to a realization tonight. I wanted kids so bad in the past. I don't think I do anymore. I don't wanna bring up offspring who could get treated the way I have been, I don't wanna bring up offspring knowing that they will eventually yell "I HATE YOU MOM" to me because I wouldn't let them out past their cerfew. That would kill me. I wish my cats would stop looking at me. I wish I was a cat. Paris Hiltons cat. Fuck that, I wish I was Paris Hilton. Beauty, brains, money.. I wish. Or maybe Kim Kardashian, she's beautiful. I just wish I wasn't me.

I need to find a job tomorrow. I have one.. er, HAD one. I'm not going in tomorrow. I know that is the stupidist thing that I could possibly do right now, but I need time off. I need to collect myself. I'm gonna regret it I'm sure. I regret alot of things. Like being born...

..no one cares what happens to me so why the fuck should I...