Learning Life The Hard Way.. I Wish Being Strong Was Easy

Ok, so I should be sleeping right now, seeing as I have to be up in 4 hours but I can't sleep. It's my birthday today.. 25. Woo! I was sitting on facebook and my cousin Lisa was online and as selfish as this is about to sound, I was waiting for the chat window to pop up with a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"... but of course, nothing. I wanna say "whatever" but deep down it hurts. The people that I once was so close to, the people that I'm supposed to call family, want and have nothing to do with me. And why? I never once did anything for them to feel, think, act like that. I know I'm better than them but its sad to know that I don't have anyone to turn to but my friends. Not that turning to my friends is a bad thing, but family is supposed to be there for you no matter what. Same with Jordan.. he promised me that he'd be online tonight to talk because I won't be online later and of course, not here.

I can't wait to move back to Calgary. There are so many things I'm going to do different. Like how Chad said, I'm leaving this life behind to start a fresh, happy one. As far as I'm concerned, when I move back I have no family back here except for grandpa and a gramma that passed away. I also have my mum but she dosen't live here which is good. As for everyone else, I disowned them (except Shianne) a long time ago. I wonder what it will be like, say 5 - 10 years from now. Are they all gonna wonder about me and how "horrible" my life has turned out? Or are they just gonna plain forget about me. I really hope then just forget about me.

I lost 5 lbs. Woot! More to go and I'm making sure it's going. If I don't have the support of "family" or Jordan then that's fine.. I have the people that really matter. Cindy, Crystal, Alex, my mum, my grandpa, Cindy's family and even my cats and dogs. They're all I need. I love each and every one of them and when I finally reach my goals, they will be the ones being rewarded. I'm going back to school, making an education for myself, learning to lead a healthier lifestyle, and just letting go of the past. This time, it's gonna work.

But it's 1:24 am and I need sleep. So to those that have walked in my life and are no longer in it, I thank you for letting me know you and how I never wanna be like you. To those who are still in my life, I thank you for sticking by me through good times and bad times and I promise I will be there for you when you need me the most. And lastly, to those who are still going to walk into my life, I'm excited to see which category your final place will be..

xo - Michelle (whom is now a QUARTER CENTURY OLD *gasp*)

This Is The Best Feeling..

This innocence is brilliance

I hope that it will stay

This moment is perfect

Please don't go away

I need you now

And I'll hold on to it

Don't you let it pass you by..

11 days into 2009 and so far it's been good. Had some bad days but that's life eh! As of April 30th, I will no longer be living in Medicine Hat. I bid farewell and I couldn't be more happier to leave. It's not running away from your fears, it's simply ending one chapter in life and starting a new one. Learning from mistakes. Moving on with great diligence. Things are going to happen this time. Things that are long-awaited. So I met a boy and I have fallen for him. He's the best thing to happen to me. We connect mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Although he only is 21 and I will be 25 in 9 days (ick), I feel so loved around him. Everything is going to be ok.

I'm not too sure what else to write. I just wanna write random things so when I look back on this, I think to myself "WTF was she thinking" haha. I'm WAY to tired tho to do that. We are getting our gym passes tomorrow. Like I said.. everything is going to be ok. I need to look for boxes and start packing. I also need to go thru stuff and place ad's on Garage Sale Medicine Hat on facebook.

It's so cold in this house. I can't wait to move. I am going to miss this house very much. But it's kinda like, you know when you know you are home, that's what I felt like when we walked into our house in Calgary. I was home. Maybe it was the atmosphere of Calgary because that's where I belong, or maybe it was just the house. I don't know but I felt it. It's a cute lil place and I'm glad to call it my own.

I also can't wait to start school. As silly as this is going to sound, I miss school. I miss getting up early for education, not some mindless job where I get under appreciated. I really hope that I get approved for my grant. That would just be wonderful.

I should get some sleep tho. I need to look for a second job tomorrow and buy shoes and stuff. I bid farewell.. but just for now.

xo - Michelle