I Need A Haircut...

Apparently I have gotten the label, 'the annoying one' on someone I work withs' facebook picture. She dosen't know that I know. I kinda just stumbled upon it. And that's wonderful with the way I'm feeling. Keep going people, cause I swear it'll happen. I plan on confronting her about it the next time we work together, but I know the way she is. She won't care.

Forgetting
All the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

I'm So Sick Of It...

With many attempts to lie down, close my eyes and fall asleep, here I am again.. awake and on the internet. I have alot of things on my mind lately. It's 2:07 am, I have to work at 8 and I'm not one bit tired. I don't understand. I didn't get 8 hours of sleep last night, not even close. I never had a nap today and I'm not tired right now. It's the mind of fullness I have. I'm so annoyed with everything right now. Maybe if I go in point form EXACTLY what's bugging me, I might feel better.. I'll give it a shot:

I'm so sick of -
- my nose always being stuffy and not being able to breathe
- tinkerbell barking at anything and everything that moves
- the neighbour always gawking out her window whenever she sees us
- bambi peeing on everything
- midarko being a bitch to the other cats
- mahliboo always jumping up on my back and using claws
- mercedes always trying to get outside
- the toilet not working and being "fixed" with a twist tie and ear phones
- the hardwood floors in my house
- things always sticking to my feet no matter how much the floor is swept
- me always wanting to clean my room but it never gets done
- all the mysterious, discusting bugs that came outta no where in my bathroom
- the price of soy milk
- not having any money
- not knowing whats going on with our house in calgary
- not being friends with dane; i miss him alot
- my addiction to fast food
- the knot in my shoulder blade
- all the yuckies in the basement
- not having a working dryer
- not having cable
- having days off and not doing anything
- being stuck in medicine hat
- not knowing what the fuck happened to jordan
- crystal and her fucking annoyingness lately
- having split ends
- all the nice guys being in england
- having unpaid bills
- facebook
- working and not getting the recognition i deserve
- working and not being able to wait for days off but once i have days off, i wish i was working
- filling my car with gas all the time
- not being able to go to the gym
- sitting on my bed in an akward position with my laptop on my leg
- always resorting to making lists of things im sick of

Well anyways.. there's my current annoyances in a nutshell. I'm sure there's more but my mind is all over the place right now. It's now 2:30 and I guess I'll go pluck my eye brows.. oh yah.. I'm sick of that too.

Learning Life The Hard Way.. I Wish Being Strong Was Easy

Ok, so I should be sleeping right now, seeing as I have to be up in 4 hours but I can't sleep. It's my birthday today.. 25. Woo! I was sitting on facebook and my cousin Lisa was online and as selfish as this is about to sound, I was waiting for the chat window to pop up with a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"... but of course, nothing. I wanna say "whatever" but deep down it hurts. The people that I once was so close to, the people that I'm supposed to call family, want and have nothing to do with me. And why? I never once did anything for them to feel, think, act like that. I know I'm better than them but its sad to know that I don't have anyone to turn to but my friends. Not that turning to my friends is a bad thing, but family is supposed to be there for you no matter what. Same with Jordan.. he promised me that he'd be online tonight to talk because I won't be online later and of course, not here.

I can't wait to move back to Calgary. There are so many things I'm going to do different. Like how Chad said, I'm leaving this life behind to start a fresh, happy one. As far as I'm concerned, when I move back I have no family back here except for grandpa and a gramma that passed away. I also have my mum but she dosen't live here which is good. As for everyone else, I disowned them (except Shianne) a long time ago. I wonder what it will be like, say 5 - 10 years from now. Are they all gonna wonder about me and how "horrible" my life has turned out? Or are they just gonna plain forget about me. I really hope then just forget about me.

I lost 5 lbs. Woot! More to go and I'm making sure it's going. If I don't have the support of "family" or Jordan then that's fine.. I have the people that really matter. Cindy, Crystal, Alex, my mum, my grandpa, Cindy's family and even my cats and dogs. They're all I need. I love each and every one of them and when I finally reach my goals, they will be the ones being rewarded. I'm going back to school, making an education for myself, learning to lead a healthier lifestyle, and just letting go of the past. This time, it's gonna work.

But it's 1:24 am and I need sleep. So to those that have walked in my life and are no longer in it, I thank you for letting me know you and how I never wanna be like you. To those who are still in my life, I thank you for sticking by me through good times and bad times and I promise I will be there for you when you need me the most. And lastly, to those who are still going to walk into my life, I'm excited to see which category your final place will be..

xo - Michelle (whom is now a QUARTER CENTURY OLD *gasp*)

This Is The Best Feeling..

This innocence is brilliance

I hope that it will stay

This moment is perfect

Please don't go away

I need you now

And I'll hold on to it

Don't you let it pass you by..

11 days into 2009 and so far it's been good. Had some bad days but that's life eh! As of April 30th, I will no longer be living in Medicine Hat. I bid farewell and I couldn't be more happier to leave. It's not running away from your fears, it's simply ending one chapter in life and starting a new one. Learning from mistakes. Moving on with great diligence. Things are going to happen this time. Things that are long-awaited. So I met a boy and I have fallen for him. He's the best thing to happen to me. We connect mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Although he only is 21 and I will be 25 in 9 days (ick), I feel so loved around him. Everything is going to be ok.

I'm not too sure what else to write. I just wanna write random things so when I look back on this, I think to myself "WTF was she thinking" haha. I'm WAY to tired tho to do that. We are getting our gym passes tomorrow. Like I said.. everything is going to be ok. I need to look for boxes and start packing. I also need to go thru stuff and place ad's on Garage Sale Medicine Hat on facebook.

It's so cold in this house. I can't wait to move. I am going to miss this house very much. But it's kinda like, you know when you know you are home, that's what I felt like when we walked into our house in Calgary. I was home. Maybe it was the atmosphere of Calgary because that's where I belong, or maybe it was just the house. I don't know but I felt it. It's a cute lil place and I'm glad to call it my own.

I also can't wait to start school. As silly as this is going to sound, I miss school. I miss getting up early for education, not some mindless job where I get under appreciated. I really hope that I get approved for my grant. That would just be wonderful.

I should get some sleep tho. I need to look for a second job tomorrow and buy shoes and stuff. I bid farewell.. but just for now.

xo - Michelle

Now That Was A Lasting Impression

I am so sick and tired of the cold. I wish there were a button we could push to make it all go away. For the rich, there is a button... And that's the "right-click" of the mouse to plan some expensive, all-inclusive vacation to some warm, tropical island far away. Then there's the rest of us, the majority of us who have to sit here and settle for a pathetic tea from Timmy Ho's to keep us warm. Bah hum bug! I wish I was rich. Some day.
On to other news.. So I started the new job today. Hated it but then I got to thinking of how lucky I am to actually have a job. It wasn't until this old lady in catering called me a "stupid fucking bitch" for leaving the door open and letting in the cold.. for about 15 seconds. Like holy crap lady.. ya coulda been a little more personable and asked NICELY to close the door cuz ur old ass is cold! Then the maintenence man was a douche and ugh! I shouldn't really say that I HATED the JOB. I don't. I dislike some of the staff. But whatever.. I'm only there for a few months. I might ask Kevin to go part time and apply at Superstore in cosmetics or clothes or something.
Anyways.. I better go. 7 am will come faster than I know.
Holla!

It's Beginning To Look Alot Like Christmas

Well. The almost no-snow winter came to a halt last night. After having 2 days of above 0 temperatures, mother nature decided to dump a huge load of snow on us. I hate it. I hate winter, and I hated it even more when I was a kid. Having a birthday in January proved to be nothing more than sitting around the living room watching re-runs of Bambi. That is, which ever kid's mum let him or her out. I remember that one birthday I had.. My mum got me a clown! I HATE clowns. Then I got my fingers stuck in the VCR cuz I was so sick and tired of watching Bambi and I didn't know how to take it out properly so I just stuck my fingers in there and tried to yank it out. Didn't go over to well.

Well it's already December 8th of 2008. Where does the time go? I remember the beginning of summer. And now, it's gone for another year. It's actually quite sad the way time disappears from our fingers like the sands of time. I'm almost 25 and what do I have to show. Nothing. I wish I could just press rewind, go back and do it all over again. There would be ALOT that I would change. My dreams of being a couture model are dashed out the door LONG ago. I can't wait to move back to Calgary so I can finally get an agent and get the ball rolling. *sigh*

I absolutly can not find a job here for the time being. It's absolutly impossible. I'm getting quite mad actually. I wish I could just find someone that I could live with for one month, that's it, who dosen't charge me a THING and I would just work my ass off to get up there on my own. I wish, right. I think by far, this has to be the longest blog I have ever written. There were so many times before that I wanted to write but either didn't have my computer with me or I was just plain lazy. *sigh*

I think tomorrow I shall go out and look again. I will apply places in the mall and maybe call around to places and see what I can get. I miss having money. I hope Calgary pans out this time. I'm kinda scared of going tho. I have my reasons. Certain people know them. I wanna go to a movie. It's been a while. Speaking of movies, The Dark Knight comes out on DVD tomorrow. I can't wait! I'm gonna somehow get it, weather it means buying it or renting it.

Anyways, I shall go. I have a few more episodes of Top Model to watch before I retire for the night. I shall write again soon. Hopefully before I go to my mum's on Sunday. I kinda don't wanna go but whatever. I need to see the chiropractor. Righty-oh then.

GNite. I know you're looking for me.. I'm right here. I will do everything to stand beside you..

December Two Oh Eight

Missing - Evanescence

Please, please forgive me

But I wont be home again

Maybe someday you'll look up

And barely conscious you'll say to no one

Isn't something missing

You won't cry for my absence I know

You forgot me long ago

Am I that unimportant

Am I so insignificant

Isn't something missing

Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice

You won't try for me not now

Though I'd die to know you love me

I'm all alone

Isn't someone missing me

Please, please forgive me

But I won't be home again

I know what you do to yourself

I breathe deep and cry out

Isn't something missing

Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice

You won't try for me not now

Though I'd die to know you love me

I'm all alone

Isn't someone missing me

And if I bleed, I'll bleed

Knowing you don't care

And if I sleep just to dream of you

I'll wake without you there

Isn't something missing

Isn't someone missing me