May Nineteen Two Thousand Eight

Christina Aguilera - The Voice Within

Young girl don't cry

I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

Young girl it's alright

Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream

Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems

No one ever wants or bothers to explain

Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else, look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way

You'll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don't hide

You'll never change if you just run away

Young girl just hold tight

Soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed

It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid

No one reaches out a hand for you to hold

When you look outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else, look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way

You'll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Life is a journey

It can take you anywhere you choose to go

As long as you're learning

You'll find all you'll ever need to know (be strong)

You'll break it (hold on)

You'll make it

Just don't forsake it because

No one can tell you what you can't do

No one can stop you, you know that I'm talking to you

Young girl don't cry, I'll be right here when your world starts to fall..

To Hell With It All

So I've had enough with Medicine Hat and all of it's lameness. I've had it with the fake, arrogent people who pretend to be your friend and in the end, do nothing but hurt you. I've had it with bending over backwards for those "friends" by putting my life on hold just to customise theirs and make sure they are 100% ok, when in return all they end up doing is fucking me royally. I've also had it with all the immaturity this city has to offer, and with that, the employers. I know I have complained about the employers in Calgary being whack but as of lately, the ones here blow. I also know about a million people who would back my statements up. I can't handle this depression anymore. It seems like an endless cycle that keeps going and going and there is no way to escape it. Alot would say that (again) I am running away from my problems and yes, maybe in a way I am, but right now that's all I really can do. How am I supposed to be happy and make money with no job? (Which might I add I got one yesterday.. one I didn't even apply at too.) I want to go back to the place where even with no job and no money made me happy. I'm not a small town person and Vancouver is 2 years away, which is WAY to long and I can garuntee I will be driven to insanity by then. Calgary is where my heart is. Funny to think that I was terrified of Calgary when the offer first came up. Pussy. I can't wait to move back and I will be counting down the days until happiness. You know the saying, "If you want something bad enough, you would do anything to get it".. All I want is to be happy. Fuck money and big houses and expensive cars, I mean it would be great but you can have all of that and not be happy (although right now alot of money would make me VERY happy cuz then I'd get outta here sooner). I AM going to do EVERYTHING to be happy again. And to be happy again means going home. After the Vancouver vacation, I am going to work my ass off, pay off old debts, save up, exercise, and get the fuck outta here. And if I'm not outta this shit hole by January 1st, 2009, I give permission to whoever reads this, to kill me with a dull butterknife.
On the here and now, my pup is sick. Poor boy. :(

One More Day?... I Sure Hope Not!

So as I sit here, on Day 7, still jobless, I'm wondering what the hell it takes to get a job in this city. I've applied at 21 places so far and not ONE has called back. Places that are hiring, places I have experience at, places that hire BUMS! I really don't wanna resort going to McDonalds.. Now that's low. And sad. I really wish employers would take down their "NOW HIRING" signs if they are NOT hiring and another thing that pisses the fuck outta me is when an employer says that they will call you, and then they don't. The only thing I am certain on right now is my re-runs of Sex and the City. I have 22 days before the movie comes out (at this rate I'm gonna have to sneek in to see it) and I wanna watch all 6 seasons. I'm down 1 and a half.. 4 and a half more to go.
Well, here's to hoping that I get a call back 2morro. From at least ONE of the places I applied. And another gas tank full later, I will apply at more places. My feet are cold, my cat's in heat and I have a sore throat. Oh my god, I killed one giant ass spider today. Well I didn't KILL it, I sucked him up with the vaccum so I really hope he died right away cuz he'da been mighty dizzy otherwise.
I guess I'm off to continue my journey's through Sex and the City re-runs. Good riddance and good night.. Again.

Monday Night Blues

I am so tired. And alone. I hate being alone. It's the most horrible feeling in the world. Well.. that and bad gas. Thank whoever for my cats. Except when they act like how Mahliboo is acting right now. I have her in my room with me (yes I'm scared) and she was in mid-lick and she just stopped, her ears pinned up and she darted off the bed. Prolly a spider. Eesh! Yuck..
So I have come to a fork in my path of life. What to do? Do I stay somewhere that is offering me more money, a hotel discount, staff that I like (except for a few), but low hours, other side of town and no chance for advancement OR do I go somewhere that will give me more hours, a hotel discount (as well), closer to home, lower wage, staff that I might particularly not like but a possiblility of advancement (the top of the throne!!)? Oh Jeeze.. what do I do?
This blog is going to be, from this moment on, the most random peice of cyberspace ever. I am going to look around my room and talk about things.. What? I don't wanna go to sleep yet (even tho I am dead tired)..
We'll start with my reflection in the mirror. I don't like it. Well.. on second glance.. I guess I kinda do. Kinda. I hate smiling tho. With teeth. I still have a damn baby tooth and it looks so uneven, like someone knocked my lights out and I'm redneck Shelley. Oh.. My.. Hipvits.. I just got the shit scared right outta me! Damn cats... anyways. K so yah. I'm now bored of randoms so you can have your 8.00 back cuz this is lame-o. I'm so bored lalala. And I hope I sleep in until 3 pm tomorrow so I don't have to be bored for longer. Oh Granola.. I feel sorry for people who move to another city for college or a job or whatever and they know no one. I'd go crazy. Yes.. me crazy.. with my cats! *insert cackle here* Well.. I guess I'll go play some games on PoGo until I get bored of that too.

You Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone

So I was just on Facebook looking at all my old pics of Calgary and it almost brought tears to my eyes. I miss it there so much. I miss being happy, even with all the stresses of no money and no job. I loved how everyone was so carefree and nice. Well everyone I came in contact with anyways. I can't wait til July 7th to go home before the flight to Vancouver. I know I'm going on vacation to Van City but I think I'm a little more excited to go home for a day. Weird I know. Maybe it's cuz I know Calgary and I know where I'm going. I'm scared shitless to drive in Vancouver. I've never flown without my mom. Even though I've only flown once. Do one thing that scares you daily. I'm so excited to fly. I love flying. I wish I was going to like Italy or something just to be on the plane longer. Oh well. I guess the hour long flight will do. I can't wait to book the hotel and the rental and do everything. I can't wait! Well I guess I shall go to the AirCanada website and look at the flight prices. Even thought mine is covered, I still need to know.
Oh yah.. one more thing. I've been vegetarian for 46 days today! Woo! Go me!

Damn You're Beautiful

Some say love is not for sinners

I believe that isn't true

Cause when I was finished sinning

Love came down and showed me you..

Dying To Live Again

No one reads this anyways..

I'm done. I'm sick and tired of being in pain. Both physically and emotionally. I can't handle this anymore. Everytime I turn around, I seem to be pissing EVERYONE off. Maybe I'll juss end that then no one has to be upset anymore. Including myself. I could run away, move to another city by myself, but people would prolly juss hate me there too. It seems everything I do or say ends up biting my ass in the end. Even tho I do nothing to deserve it. I mean c'mon, my family hates me, I don't have any friends.. Maybe I am doing something wrong? Jacob, I know that you have a dark side as well and I want more than anything to be with you and I know that you could've been the one to save me.. but I don't deserve you. You are way to good to be with someone like me. I would only bring you down and I don't wanna make anyone else disappointed with me. I hope one day you will find out that I truly love you, not only for how talented you are, but for a brief time in my life, you bring a smile to my face with just the thought of you. Don't let anyone stop you. You are amazing.

Isn't it funny when you think you can trust someone with your life. They go on and on and feed you information that you don't wanna hear. They insist that they are angels in disguise and that they can do no harm, when in fact, they are the ones who hurt you the most in the end. So I wanna say thank you my dear blank, thank you for making me believe that you were on my side, thank you for pulling me up with your gracious hand while I was falling and telling me everything will eventually be ok but having the other one behind your back with your fingers crossed, thank you for making me smile day after day but cry night after night for all the bullshit you spread. Thank you for ruining my life. Don't worry, karma is my friend and when it comes around, I'm sure she won't be pretty.

Dosen't it make you sick to think of all the bullshit in the world, all the murders, beatings, rape? Sometimes I wonder.. what drives a person to go that far? Now I think I'm beginning to understand. Sounds kinda sick eh, yah, that's cuz it is. I would never go that far.. But I have came to a realization tonight. I wanted kids so bad in the past. I don't think I do anymore. I don't wanna bring up offspring who could get treated the way I have been, I don't wanna bring up offspring knowing that they will eventually yell "I HATE YOU MOM" to me because I wouldn't let them out past their cerfew. That would kill me. I wish my cats would stop looking at me. I wish I was a cat. Paris Hiltons cat. Fuck that, I wish I was Paris Hilton. Beauty, brains, money.. I wish. Or maybe Kim Kardashian, she's beautiful. I just wish I wasn't me.

I need to find a job tomorrow. I have one.. er, HAD one. I'm not going in tomorrow. I know that is the stupidist thing that I could possibly do right now, but I need time off. I need to collect myself. I'm gonna regret it I'm sure. I regret alot of things. Like being born...

..no one cares what happens to me so why the fuck should I...