Change For No One; Believe In Nothing

I'm broken. I'm also pretty sure I don't wanna be put apart again. No, I'm not broken over a guy, even though yes, one just broke my heart. I'm broken as a person, and to be quite honest, I wouldn't be upset if this life ended tomorrow. I'm so sick and tired of trying to please people so then I make it my priority just to please myself but then people think I come off as a bitch. I'm just one of those people that will never be accepted no matter what I do. I should be realistic, I'm never gonna be an actress. I hate those fuckers who derrange your mind into believing that whatever you want in life, if you work hard enough, you will get. Maybe that is true for some, but not for me. I have went through 24 long ass years of nothing but shit. When's it gonna be my turn? I think this will all change when it comes times to move back to Calgary. Back to when I can be happy. Back to when I can actually be myself.

Cloud Nine (( 9 ))

Happy -
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.

Smile -
1. to assume a facial expression indicating pleasure, favor, or amusement.

Love -
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

And so I am, so I do and so I'm in.

That is all.

Once Upon A Time.. I Was Broken

Lifehouse - Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, is there healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I Love You, I Need You, Like A Thousand Times Before

You make a mess of me...



You make a mess of me..



Vancouver was, by far, the most amazing time of my life! (Besides holding onto Hoggard that one cold night in early September) The feeling of the ocean touching my feet for the first time, felt like sunshine on the most stormy day. Breathing in the BC air made all the stresses on my shoulders dissappear far, far away. Everything for that short time, was so serene, so warming and it felt like home. I was home. I may be back in Alberta, but my heart is for sure still in Vancouver. This is my paradise..

While I'm At It Throw A Hand Grenade

This past week has been nothing but a complete joke. A total waste of time. And as far as I'm concerned, the upcoming week will be just as bad. I am so annoyed at how everything is just up in the air, wait til the last minute for EVERYTHING again. So here I am, 32 hours before I'm supposed to board a flight that I don't even know exsists, running around, trying to clean my house. Like how fucking retarded. I just wanna crawl in a giant hole and cry. I am so sick and tired of NOTHING going according to plan! I am so tired but I have 2 days worth of shit to pack into about 12 hours. And somewhere in there I have to squeeze in an interview. I'm so grumpy with shit right now, an interview is the LAST thing I wanna go to. Dishes, laundry, packing, mowing the lawn, cleaning EVERY room in this fucking house which is just gonna get messed up again from those fucking dogs, taking the bottles and recycling down, sweeping the WHOLE house! I could go on. I HATE having nothing but hardwood. Vaccumming is SO much more easier. My room is calling me. I better go clean it. I'll prolly end up throwing something and then feeling bad when it breaks and crying myself to sleep. *sigh*

Bringin' On The Heartbreak

I hate what alcohol does to people. It turns them into mindless, ignorant little fucks. And some, it gives them courage that they don't normally have on a day to day basis. It's only inevitable what you thought. I guess I already knew that. I was givin' the warning a while back and I decided not to steer clear of this mess. Now here I am, hungover with a heart that hurts more than with Jack told Rose to go on without him. And here you are, carefree like you always are and probably not remembering how arrogent you are when you consume. If you were sober, would you still acted like that? No matter what, and no matter how much you broke my heart last night, I still love you. I'm not giving up on you because I believe. My arm says so, right. I think I'm going to cry again. You held me SO tight and the smell of you still lingers. You are so beautiful but yet I hate you so much. But you did do something for me last night, you lit that flame that was slowly fading. I'm gonna do it this time. Thanks to you. Not saying I will act the same towards you when I'm finished, but who knows right. I love you, I hate you, I need you.

A Little of This && A Little of That

So it totally just erks me that people can be so self-centered and unaware of other peoples feelings. It's been a while. I haven't been here in so long I better make this one a good one. I do, none the less, have alot of things to talk about. My last day at Rusty's is next Wednesday and let me tell you, I am MORE than THRILLED to be done. Yes, I am going to miss the laughs with Mac & Jo, and I'm gonna miss working with Tara & Michelle but I just couldn't handle it anymore. I'm also going to miss the money. How life was not working paycheck to paycheck. But the emotional bullshit was way to much to handle. It kinda gets to a person, being the only one doing EVERYTHING. And the lack of support and praise from the manager is kinda a piss off. But that's fine. Their loss right! I will totally live my days 'til I move back to Calgary delivering the Calgary Herald for premo cash. Having the rest of the day to myself to maintain housework and spend time with my cats and stuff. Shit has got to be done around here. Not as in housework wise, but as in pay off old debts and rid myself of the old shadows that are lurking within me. I'm moving back to Calgary this time with a different outlook and a new prospective. I loved the person Calgary made me and I want her back. I love the feeling of being happy and carefree. Medicine Hat is a drag and the emotional stress here is quite unbearable.
So, on another note. For the 3rd time this year I'm going to see Hedley (tonight). But mark my words, it's not the last time this year. October 10th in the Jubilee in Calgary. I can't wait to go to Vancouver. It's a mere 2 weeks away but it seems like forever. I can't wait to get all excited the night before and wake up and drive to Calgary and board that plane. It's been way WAY too long since I've been on a plane. I love flying! I also can't wait to see the ocean.. finally. And NO ONE is stopping me. I can't wait to get sand between my toes and hear the sounds of the ocean. Kinda makes me wanna shed a tear right now. *sigh* But, as slowly as it's coming, it will come and go fast. Which is sad. I need a moment of tranquility. This just might be it. :)
I'm not to sure how much more I can think of to write. Maybe I will try to write a poem. Haven't done that in a while. Please forgive me if it makes no sense. I'm just throwing random words together in the hopes of something beautiful. One more thing.. speaking of beautiful.. I got a tattoo FINALLY. Beautiful Insanity written on the inside of my right forearm.

A baby's born, a mother cries
A world of betrayel, murder, lies
What can we do to make this end
Come together, be a friend
It shouldn't matter if we're fat or thin
Or the color of our skin
We need to love no matter what
Before we make the final cut
Need not judge before we know
Premature taunting makes us low
If we keep this up, where will we be
In the year Two Thousand Twenty Three
Will our world be full of hate
Even more than Two Thousand Eight
So lets put down our guns and our nueclear bombs
And come together, happy and calm