You Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone

So I was just on Facebook looking at all my old pics of Calgary and it almost brought tears to my eyes. I miss it there so much. I miss being happy, even with all the stresses of no money and no job. I loved how everyone was so carefree and nice. Well everyone I came in contact with anyways. I can't wait til July 7th to go home before the flight to Vancouver. I know I'm going on vacation to Van City but I think I'm a little more excited to go home for a day. Weird I know. Maybe it's cuz I know Calgary and I know where I'm going. I'm scared shitless to drive in Vancouver. I've never flown without my mom. Even though I've only flown once. Do one thing that scares you daily. I'm so excited to fly. I love flying. I wish I was going to like Italy or something just to be on the plane longer. Oh well. I guess the hour long flight will do. I can't wait to book the hotel and the rental and do everything. I can't wait! Well I guess I shall go to the AirCanada website and look at the flight prices. Even thought mine is covered, I still need to know.
Oh yah.. one more thing. I've been vegetarian for 46 days today! Woo! Go me!

Damn You're Beautiful

Some say love is not for sinners

I believe that isn't true

Cause when I was finished sinning

Love came down and showed me you..

Dying To Live Again

No one reads this anyways..

I'm done. I'm sick and tired of being in pain. Both physically and emotionally. I can't handle this anymore. Everytime I turn around, I seem to be pissing EVERYONE off. Maybe I'll juss end that then no one has to be upset anymore. Including myself. I could run away, move to another city by myself, but people would prolly juss hate me there too. It seems everything I do or say ends up biting my ass in the end. Even tho I do nothing to deserve it. I mean c'mon, my family hates me, I don't have any friends.. Maybe I am doing something wrong? Jacob, I know that you have a dark side as well and I want more than anything to be with you and I know that you could've been the one to save me.. but I don't deserve you. You are way to good to be with someone like me. I would only bring you down and I don't wanna make anyone else disappointed with me. I hope one day you will find out that I truly love you, not only for how talented you are, but for a brief time in my life, you bring a smile to my face with just the thought of you. Don't let anyone stop you. You are amazing.

Isn't it funny when you think you can trust someone with your life. They go on and on and feed you information that you don't wanna hear. They insist that they are angels in disguise and that they can do no harm, when in fact, they are the ones who hurt you the most in the end. So I wanna say thank you my dear blank, thank you for making me believe that you were on my side, thank you for pulling me up with your gracious hand while I was falling and telling me everything will eventually be ok but having the other one behind your back with your fingers crossed, thank you for making me smile day after day but cry night after night for all the bullshit you spread. Thank you for ruining my life. Don't worry, karma is my friend and when it comes around, I'm sure she won't be pretty.

Dosen't it make you sick to think of all the bullshit in the world, all the murders, beatings, rape? Sometimes I wonder.. what drives a person to go that far? Now I think I'm beginning to understand. Sounds kinda sick eh, yah, that's cuz it is. I would never go that far.. But I have came to a realization tonight. I wanted kids so bad in the past. I don't think I do anymore. I don't wanna bring up offspring who could get treated the way I have been, I don't wanna bring up offspring knowing that they will eventually yell "I HATE YOU MOM" to me because I wouldn't let them out past their cerfew. That would kill me. I wish my cats would stop looking at me. I wish I was a cat. Paris Hiltons cat. Fuck that, I wish I was Paris Hilton. Beauty, brains, money.. I wish. Or maybe Kim Kardashian, she's beautiful. I just wish I wasn't me.

I need to find a job tomorrow. I have one.. er, HAD one. I'm not going in tomorrow. I know that is the stupidist thing that I could possibly do right now, but I need time off. I need to collect myself. I'm gonna regret it I'm sure. I regret alot of things. Like being born...

..no one cares what happens to me so why the fuck should I...

It's Never Too Late

So as I sit here wondering where the hell this snow came from and why the hell my dryer dosen't work, I've realized that I'm getting happier. I don't know. Maybe it's because I have one shift left at Smitty's. Which is tomorro, er.. today. Alls I know is I am beyond excited to work at the Holiday Inn Express. Everyone that I met on the day of my interview was so nice. And Amber works there. I also get hotel discounts so that means when I go to Vancouver, the hotel will be cheap. And I won't even need help from Kristy. So all is good in that department. I have my flight paid for and a cheap hotel. It's time to get things under control. I am going to make a list (on paper) of who and what I owe money to and I am going to start paying it off. It's time to get my life under control. There is no way in hell that I am moving to BC with bills and money problems. I'm kinda tired but I have to wait for my laundry to be done. Damn dryer! I'm liking him more and more every day. I kinda had a weird preminition the other and and it was so weird. It actually came true. Plane crash. Nuff said. Anyways, this was kinda random and I have nothing else to say so I guess that I will go. Have a good night.

Cottage Cheese Is Tasty

It's been a while..

I think I am actually numb from all the emotional shit that has been surrounding me for the past 2 weeks. For once, the pain that's making me cry is physical pain. I shoulda went to the hospital tonight. As of right now, I just don't care. I know I'll change my mind by the end of this but that's ok. I'm in a mood. It's dark.. like outside. I hope you have fun in New York faggot bitch. I hope you have so much fun, you combust in explosive excitement. I'm serious. Combust. You'd do the world a favor. Oh, and when you're smiling that fake ass smirk and amazed by all the pretty lights, remember, I'm the one who had Tyra Banks tickets. Me, I'll just stay in this shit hole of a city, the one "God" forgot. Wait, forget it. God dosen't exsist. But I'll stay here. Maybe throw a little party. No wait, scratch that. No party. I'm always in pain to have fun. Quit my job. Done April 1st. Thank God.. er, thank my half eaten pretzel stick. Somehow need to find a money tree so I can pay for all my expenses.. like the back window of my car that some half wit fucknut decided to oh so randomly smash out. I hope it was fun. I hope you like the fact that you ruined that little part of my life. I hope the glass came back and cut your eye and lodged it's way up to that pathetic little excuse of a brain you have. I'm fine. I hate this place. Have I mentioned that before? I go to work again tomorrow. One of the many I have left. Almost done. Can't wait. Not gonna mention the "G" guy anymore.. the one that dosen't exsist. I'm cold. I'm numb. I'm hungry. It hurts. I'm gonna go. Find something to eat. I don't eat meat anymore. March 8th, 2008 I went vegetarian again. Happy birthday Gramma. I miss you more than you know. I wish I was with you. I'll make you proud. I promise. I'm going to school again. I love you.

Lifestyle Change

So, over the past few days I have done some thinking. It's time to change. I've been like this for way to long and it has gotten me no where and no one. Actually that's a lie. It's gotten me something.. PAIN. I'm sick of pain. I'm sick and tired of calling in sick cuz I can't move. I'm tired of cancelling plans with people cuz I'm to embarassed cuz the only way I can walk without pain is to waddle. I'm tired of walking into the skinny peoples stores and obsessing over how cute a skirt is and having the workers snicker behind me. Like maybe I'm looking at that skirt for a birthday present for someone. I know once I do (how Dane would day) a "lifestyle change", I'm gonna be hot. Not to be concided but it's true. Before I moved to Calgary and was on Weight Watchers I lost 22.5 lbs and could you ever tell. I'm 24.. I don't wanna "start" my life at 30. What fun is that? I wanna go back to school and get a career. I don't wanna waitress anymore. I can't handle it. I can't handle anything anymore. I am so depressed. I hate wearing a hoodie in the summer. I hate not doing stuff and juss sitting indoors.
So here is my pledge.
I, Michelle Schneider, vow that when I return from New York on March 31st, 2008, I will indeed start what friends refer as a "lifestyle change". I will return to being vegetarian, not only for the purpose of health, but for the purpose for animals. I will faithfully go to the gym as much as possible and follow a regime. I will NOT push myself too hard, I will go slow so my body dosen't strain. I will start to pay my way overdue bills off. I will start saving money for my upcoming trips and I will go see a councellor. I will look into a college career and start it once funds become available. I will be more happy and less cranky.
Signed, at the kitchen table of my house,
Michelle M Schneider

Danes vwhar =. Biurthday 2008

So tongiht was Danes bitthdaty and I just dgot home and I am so drunk,. Only 3 more weeks I'm going to New York. I hope to fo got mto New york in 2 qeekrs. Wait.. yes I am. We just had to walk hme adn it took so long. I lways thad to stop and take a breath acu z well I dont know. Asarahs frind has bme sweater. I need it back. That's my joper for woek, ===. I think it's time to dgo to slleep. Jocbob Hoggard is so fucking hot. I don't know whaty to y title this bllog. I have booher ins my nose, I drank so much., I don't know that what to do. I am so druink and I am so hungry and I m cold and I slent my sweater to someomnen t hat I don't know very welll and I don't know if I weveull eveergtt get it back, I have to go now... Ngood nite live.fe. I love yoi. I lobve you I lobe you!