Now That Was A Lasting Impression

I am so sick and tired of the cold. I wish there were a button we could push to make it all go away. For the rich, there is a button... And that's the "right-click" of the mouse to plan some expensive, all-inclusive vacation to some warm, tropical island far away. Then there's the rest of us, the majority of us who have to sit here and settle for a pathetic tea from Timmy Ho's to keep us warm. Bah hum bug! I wish I was rich. Some day.
On to other news.. So I started the new job today. Hated it but then I got to thinking of how lucky I am to actually have a job. It wasn't until this old lady in catering called me a "stupid fucking bitch" for leaving the door open and letting in the cold.. for about 15 seconds. Like holy crap lady.. ya coulda been a little more personable and asked NICELY to close the door cuz ur old ass is cold! Then the maintenence man was a douche and ugh! I shouldn't really say that I HATED the JOB. I don't. I dislike some of the staff. But whatever.. I'm only there for a few months. I might ask Kevin to go part time and apply at Superstore in cosmetics or clothes or something.
Anyways.. I better go. 7 am will come faster than I know.
Holla!

It's Beginning To Look Alot Like Christmas

Well. The almost no-snow winter came to a halt last night. After having 2 days of above 0 temperatures, mother nature decided to dump a huge load of snow on us. I hate it. I hate winter, and I hated it even more when I was a kid. Having a birthday in January proved to be nothing more than sitting around the living room watching re-runs of Bambi. That is, which ever kid's mum let him or her out. I remember that one birthday I had.. My mum got me a clown! I HATE clowns. Then I got my fingers stuck in the VCR cuz I was so sick and tired of watching Bambi and I didn't know how to take it out properly so I just stuck my fingers in there and tried to yank it out. Didn't go over to well.

Well it's already December 8th of 2008. Where does the time go? I remember the beginning of summer. And now, it's gone for another year. It's actually quite sad the way time disappears from our fingers like the sands of time. I'm almost 25 and what do I have to show. Nothing. I wish I could just press rewind, go back and do it all over again. There would be ALOT that I would change. My dreams of being a couture model are dashed out the door LONG ago. I can't wait to move back to Calgary so I can finally get an agent and get the ball rolling. *sigh*

I absolutly can not find a job here for the time being. It's absolutly impossible. I'm getting quite mad actually. I wish I could just find someone that I could live with for one month, that's it, who dosen't charge me a THING and I would just work my ass off to get up there on my own. I wish, right. I think by far, this has to be the longest blog I have ever written. There were so many times before that I wanted to write but either didn't have my computer with me or I was just plain lazy. *sigh*

I think tomorrow I shall go out and look again. I will apply places in the mall and maybe call around to places and see what I can get. I miss having money. I hope Calgary pans out this time. I'm kinda scared of going tho. I have my reasons. Certain people know them. I wanna go to a movie. It's been a while. Speaking of movies, The Dark Knight comes out on DVD tomorrow. I can't wait! I'm gonna somehow get it, weather it means buying it or renting it.

Anyways, I shall go. I have a few more episodes of Top Model to watch before I retire for the night. I shall write again soon. Hopefully before I go to my mum's on Sunday. I kinda don't wanna go but whatever. I need to see the chiropractor. Righty-oh then.

GNite. I know you're looking for me.. I'm right here. I will do everything to stand beside you..

December Two Oh Eight

Missing - Evanescence

Please, please forgive me

But I wont be home again

Maybe someday you'll look up

And barely conscious you'll say to no one

Isn't something missing

You won't cry for my absence I know

You forgot me long ago

Am I that unimportant

Am I so insignificant

Isn't something missing

Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice

You won't try for me not now

Though I'd die to know you love me

I'm all alone

Isn't someone missing me

Please, please forgive me

But I won't be home again

I know what you do to yourself

I breathe deep and cry out

Isn't something missing

Isn't someone missing me

Even though I'm the sacrifice

You won't try for me not now

Though I'd die to know you love me

I'm all alone

Isn't someone missing me

And if I bleed, I'll bleed

Knowing you don't care

And if I sleep just to dream of you

I'll wake without you there

Isn't something missing

Isn't someone missing me

I'm "sofaking" Weird Tonight!

Well.. I really have nothing to talk about, besides the fact of my juice mix isn't exactly mixing in my water bottle. I hate when that happens. Then at the end of the bottle of water when there is shit-all left in there, a surge of zing comes down and into the trap and you're left with nothing but over joyed taste buds and some weird ass look on your face. Although, right now that isn't the case. Do not go and purchase 8 dollars worth of spicy cashews. I like spicy but this is like "holyfuckkabahgukka". My lips are looking for the fire department, and that's even after I, persay, washed them. Yes, I gave my cashews a bath. They enjoyed it in there all floating around and stuff. If you haven't noticed, I'm in a very weird mood. I should be sleeping. It's 4 am and this is usually a normal thing for me lately. After I'm done this, it's off to watch more Top Model. I'm obsessed. I also have very bad gas tonight. Not something I should be sharing with the world but whatever. The outside of my left foot is cold, the inside, not so much. The right one, not a chance in hell. Yum yum R-Patz.. I'm out.

The Countdown Is On.

Super over joyed. That is how I'm feeling right now. I don't have to wait until July to move back home. It's happening.. I'm moving back Feb 1st. Moving with Crystal and not Cindy (for the time being) is gonna be SUPER weird. But you do anything for what you want right. My fingers are typing like 1000 miles a minute right now but my mind is going double that. I am so excited, so antsy to go right now. I just checked out the job boards and there is SOOO much. Same with places for rent. I'm so excited. Altho telling my mum is gonna be hard. Oh well. She moved away and she loves where she is. This blog seems like a little girl going on her first date and getting kissed for the first time. It's so "all over the place and random"! Muhaha! This is it.. I'm outta Medicine HATE for good! (I hope I didn't jinx myself haha).

It's Now Time To Depolish Your Star That Once Shined So Bright

So much to put yet a mind running full speed ahead. I can't catch it. I can't catch up to it. So much to say. Nor a word is articulated. Does this make sense? Do you understand me? I don't understand me. I have a flurry of emotions running through my mind and ripping me apart like a catapult during a dirty war. So much to take in, so much to wonder. Yet not vent, nor release the tension felt. Just take it in. Keep it shut. Rememberance from the past hurts. It hurts to believe I've been condescended to a lower being of my exsistance just for mere humour. You made me feel small, made me feel weak yet I shall not succumb to your dispair. Why is this bothering me? It's been so long. Too long. Way overdue. I'm done and you're over.

Change For No One; Believe In Nothing

I'm broken. I'm also pretty sure I don't wanna be put apart again. No, I'm not broken over a guy, even though yes, one just broke my heart. I'm broken as a person, and to be quite honest, I wouldn't be upset if this life ended tomorrow. I'm so sick and tired of trying to please people so then I make it my priority just to please myself but then people think I come off as a bitch. I'm just one of those people that will never be accepted no matter what I do. I should be realistic, I'm never gonna be an actress. I hate those fuckers who derrange your mind into believing that whatever you want in life, if you work hard enough, you will get. Maybe that is true for some, but not for me. I have went through 24 long ass years of nothing but shit. When's it gonna be my turn? I think this will all change when it comes times to move back to Calgary. Back to when I can be happy. Back to when I can actually be myself.

Cloud Nine (( 9 ))

Happy -
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.

Smile -
1. to assume a facial expression indicating pleasure, favor, or amusement.

Love -
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

And so I am, so I do and so I'm in.

That is all.

Once Upon A Time.. I Was Broken

Lifehouse - Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, is there healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I Love You, I Need You, Like A Thousand Times Before

You make a mess of me...



You make a mess of me..



Vancouver was, by far, the most amazing time of my life! (Besides holding onto Hoggard that one cold night in early September) The feeling of the ocean touching my feet for the first time, felt like sunshine on the most stormy day. Breathing in the BC air made all the stresses on my shoulders dissappear far, far away. Everything for that short time, was so serene, so warming and it felt like home. I was home. I may be back in Alberta, but my heart is for sure still in Vancouver. This is my paradise..

While I'm At It Throw A Hand Grenade

This past week has been nothing but a complete joke. A total waste of time. And as far as I'm concerned, the upcoming week will be just as bad. I am so annoyed at how everything is just up in the air, wait til the last minute for EVERYTHING again. So here I am, 32 hours before I'm supposed to board a flight that I don't even know exsists, running around, trying to clean my house. Like how fucking retarded. I just wanna crawl in a giant hole and cry. I am so sick and tired of NOTHING going according to plan! I am so tired but I have 2 days worth of shit to pack into about 12 hours. And somewhere in there I have to squeeze in an interview. I'm so grumpy with shit right now, an interview is the LAST thing I wanna go to. Dishes, laundry, packing, mowing the lawn, cleaning EVERY room in this fucking house which is just gonna get messed up again from those fucking dogs, taking the bottles and recycling down, sweeping the WHOLE house! I could go on. I HATE having nothing but hardwood. Vaccumming is SO much more easier. My room is calling me. I better go clean it. I'll prolly end up throwing something and then feeling bad when it breaks and crying myself to sleep. *sigh*

Bringin' On The Heartbreak

I hate what alcohol does to people. It turns them into mindless, ignorant little fucks. And some, it gives them courage that they don't normally have on a day to day basis. It's only inevitable what you thought. I guess I already knew that. I was givin' the warning a while back and I decided not to steer clear of this mess. Now here I am, hungover with a heart that hurts more than with Jack told Rose to go on without him. And here you are, carefree like you always are and probably not remembering how arrogent you are when you consume. If you were sober, would you still acted like that? No matter what, and no matter how much you broke my heart last night, I still love you. I'm not giving up on you because I believe. My arm says so, right. I think I'm going to cry again. You held me SO tight and the smell of you still lingers. You are so beautiful but yet I hate you so much. But you did do something for me last night, you lit that flame that was slowly fading. I'm gonna do it this time. Thanks to you. Not saying I will act the same towards you when I'm finished, but who knows right. I love you, I hate you, I need you.

A Little of This && A Little of That

So it totally just erks me that people can be so self-centered and unaware of other peoples feelings. It's been a while. I haven't been here in so long I better make this one a good one. I do, none the less, have alot of things to talk about. My last day at Rusty's is next Wednesday and let me tell you, I am MORE than THRILLED to be done. Yes, I am going to miss the laughs with Mac & Jo, and I'm gonna miss working with Tara & Michelle but I just couldn't handle it anymore. I'm also going to miss the money. How life was not working paycheck to paycheck. But the emotional bullshit was way to much to handle. It kinda gets to a person, being the only one doing EVERYTHING. And the lack of support and praise from the manager is kinda a piss off. But that's fine. Their loss right! I will totally live my days 'til I move back to Calgary delivering the Calgary Herald for premo cash. Having the rest of the day to myself to maintain housework and spend time with my cats and stuff. Shit has got to be done around here. Not as in housework wise, but as in pay off old debts and rid myself of the old shadows that are lurking within me. I'm moving back to Calgary this time with a different outlook and a new prospective. I loved the person Calgary made me and I want her back. I love the feeling of being happy and carefree. Medicine Hat is a drag and the emotional stress here is quite unbearable.
So, on another note. For the 3rd time this year I'm going to see Hedley (tonight). But mark my words, it's not the last time this year. October 10th in the Jubilee in Calgary. I can't wait to go to Vancouver. It's a mere 2 weeks away but it seems like forever. I can't wait to get all excited the night before and wake up and drive to Calgary and board that plane. It's been way WAY too long since I've been on a plane. I love flying! I also can't wait to see the ocean.. finally. And NO ONE is stopping me. I can't wait to get sand between my toes and hear the sounds of the ocean. Kinda makes me wanna shed a tear right now. *sigh* But, as slowly as it's coming, it will come and go fast. Which is sad. I need a moment of tranquility. This just might be it. :)
I'm not to sure how much more I can think of to write. Maybe I will try to write a poem. Haven't done that in a while. Please forgive me if it makes no sense. I'm just throwing random words together in the hopes of something beautiful. One more thing.. speaking of beautiful.. I got a tattoo FINALLY. Beautiful Insanity written on the inside of my right forearm.

A baby's born, a mother cries
A world of betrayel, murder, lies
What can we do to make this end
Come together, be a friend
It shouldn't matter if we're fat or thin
Or the color of our skin
We need to love no matter what
Before we make the final cut
Need not judge before we know
Premature taunting makes us low
If we keep this up, where will we be
In the year Two Thousand Twenty Three
Will our world be full of hate
Even more than Two Thousand Eight
So lets put down our guns and our nueclear bombs
And come together, happy and calm

It's Been A While..

Holy be-jezus!

It's been over a month since I've stopped by. Well.. I guess a random blog is due. I haven't really had time to do anything. All I do is work and sleep. No really.. that's ALL I do. I got a job delivering the Calgary Hearld in the mornings and it's EVERY day. Good money tho. I'm quitting Rusty's, I just don't know when. I also got a new kitten so yes, this brings my kitty count up to 4. Here's a pic of the precious ball of fur.. Her name is Mercedes. I love her.

Calgary Stampede was amazing and I meant to blog the night after the Hedley concert but I had NO energy left. I was raining SO hard and I was in a little tank top and capris. Damn was I cold but damn was it good... Here's a random Jacob shot that got me hot and bothered.

Alot has happened in the past few weeks, alot of it that I've been majorly stressed about. But I'll just hang on to it for a rainy day when all I wanna do is vent. I'm rather tired right now and I guess I should get some more sleep before I have to work at Rusty's at 11. I'm scheduled like every freakin' day and it's really getting to me. I don't mind doing the papers every day cause that's a 2-hour job and I'm getting paid premo money for it, but with working the fucked up shifts that Cathy is making me work.. it's really getting to me. I'm really scared to give my notice but it has to be done. I wish I could just quit and then randomly find another job BUT with going to Vancouver in September, that isn't gonna happen. Ah well..maybe next time I write in here, I will be gone from Rusty's and have another job. Who knows?

Well I'm out.. I'm starting to yawn (again) and my knack for playing Jewel Quest Solitaire on my tele is starting to get to me. Ciao!

The One

Every girl has that one boy that they will never get over..

The one who you get butterflies just when someone says his name..

The one who has his name written all over your heart..

The one who you compare every other guy to..

That one boy you never could get sick of talking about..

The one that no one could understand 'Why him?'..

That one everyone thinks you can do better.. but you know you can't..

The one you ask to yourself.. 'Why her and not me?'..

Always Worth A Second Chance

As I sit here, wiping the tears from my eyes from a television series that I absolutely despised once upon a time, I got to thinking.. there are things, people, places we see that at that point in time make us cringe, make us turn our noses in disgust but we never really give them a try. We never give them a chance to prove themselves. Well for the past month and a half, I have let one of my demises into my life and have realized that it was the most heartwretching thing, in the up most way. Yes, and if you have caught the "pun" earlier on, you would have guessed that I'm talking about Sex and the City. When that show first aired, I was a mere 14, so watching that show as religiously as I have been, woulda been kinda odd. I shouldn't say odd, but if you knew my family then yes, you would use the word odd. And SJP, my god... I hated every molecule of her and now to think, I think she is one of the most beautiful, gracious women today. People don't get 100% of the facts when it comes to things. Just like us humans only use 10% of our brains, I'm beginning to believe we only judge 10% of what we should. There is also someone else, and I won't name names, but I couldn't stand this person, now to think where I am and how far I've fallen.

Isn't it funny to think back, say 5 years ago and realize just exactly how much has changed. Let's see, let's talk about me. 5 years ago I was 19 and thought I knew it all. 5 years ago I just bought my first car. 5 years ago I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Now here I am, 5 years later, juggling bills and money and stress and major decisions. Where will I be 5 years from now? I will be 29 and I sure as hell hope I'm NOTHING like I am right now. In any way, shape or form! I hope I don't have any emotional vampires in my life or any kind of fake person whose just there for the ride.

So to end this tragic note, I shall sleep, for I have been up all night watching the final episodes, crying my poor little eyes out and wishing there was more. Until this evening, when the girls will reunite on the silver screen right in front of me. And will it be good?...

Abso-fucking-lutely!

May Nineteen Two Thousand Eight

Christina Aguilera - The Voice Within

Young girl don't cry

I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

Young girl it's alright

Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream

Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems

No one ever wants or bothers to explain

Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else, look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way

You'll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don't hide

You'll never change if you just run away

Young girl just hold tight

Soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed

It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid

No one reaches out a hand for you to hold

When you look outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else, look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength that will guide your way

You'll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Life is a journey

It can take you anywhere you choose to go

As long as you're learning

You'll find all you'll ever need to know (be strong)

You'll break it (hold on)

You'll make it

Just don't forsake it because

No one can tell you what you can't do

No one can stop you, you know that I'm talking to you

Young girl don't cry, I'll be right here when your world starts to fall..

To Hell With It All

So I've had enough with Medicine Hat and all of it's lameness. I've had it with the fake, arrogent people who pretend to be your friend and in the end, do nothing but hurt you. I've had it with bending over backwards for those "friends" by putting my life on hold just to customise theirs and make sure they are 100% ok, when in return all they end up doing is fucking me royally. I've also had it with all the immaturity this city has to offer, and with that, the employers. I know I have complained about the employers in Calgary being whack but as of lately, the ones here blow. I also know about a million people who would back my statements up. I can't handle this depression anymore. It seems like an endless cycle that keeps going and going and there is no way to escape it. Alot would say that (again) I am running away from my problems and yes, maybe in a way I am, but right now that's all I really can do. How am I supposed to be happy and make money with no job? (Which might I add I got one yesterday.. one I didn't even apply at too.) I want to go back to the place where even with no job and no money made me happy. I'm not a small town person and Vancouver is 2 years away, which is WAY to long and I can garuntee I will be driven to insanity by then. Calgary is where my heart is. Funny to think that I was terrified of Calgary when the offer first came up. Pussy. I can't wait to move back and I will be counting down the days until happiness. You know the saying, "If you want something bad enough, you would do anything to get it".. All I want is to be happy. Fuck money and big houses and expensive cars, I mean it would be great but you can have all of that and not be happy (although right now alot of money would make me VERY happy cuz then I'd get outta here sooner). I AM going to do EVERYTHING to be happy again. And to be happy again means going home. After the Vancouver vacation, I am going to work my ass off, pay off old debts, save up, exercise, and get the fuck outta here. And if I'm not outta this shit hole by January 1st, 2009, I give permission to whoever reads this, to kill me with a dull butterknife.
On the here and now, my pup is sick. Poor boy. :(

One More Day?... I Sure Hope Not!

So as I sit here, on Day 7, still jobless, I'm wondering what the hell it takes to get a job in this city. I've applied at 21 places so far and not ONE has called back. Places that are hiring, places I have experience at, places that hire BUMS! I really don't wanna resort going to McDonalds.. Now that's low. And sad. I really wish employers would take down their "NOW HIRING" signs if they are NOT hiring and another thing that pisses the fuck outta me is when an employer says that they will call you, and then they don't. The only thing I am certain on right now is my re-runs of Sex and the City. I have 22 days before the movie comes out (at this rate I'm gonna have to sneek in to see it) and I wanna watch all 6 seasons. I'm down 1 and a half.. 4 and a half more to go.
Well, here's to hoping that I get a call back 2morro. From at least ONE of the places I applied. And another gas tank full later, I will apply at more places. My feet are cold, my cat's in heat and I have a sore throat. Oh my god, I killed one giant ass spider today. Well I didn't KILL it, I sucked him up with the vaccum so I really hope he died right away cuz he'da been mighty dizzy otherwise.
I guess I'm off to continue my journey's through Sex and the City re-runs. Good riddance and good night.. Again.

Monday Night Blues

I am so tired. And alone. I hate being alone. It's the most horrible feeling in the world. Well.. that and bad gas. Thank whoever for my cats. Except when they act like how Mahliboo is acting right now. I have her in my room with me (yes I'm scared) and she was in mid-lick and she just stopped, her ears pinned up and she darted off the bed. Prolly a spider. Eesh! Yuck..
So I have come to a fork in my path of life. What to do? Do I stay somewhere that is offering me more money, a hotel discount, staff that I like (except for a few), but low hours, other side of town and no chance for advancement OR do I go somewhere that will give me more hours, a hotel discount (as well), closer to home, lower wage, staff that I might particularly not like but a possiblility of advancement (the top of the throne!!)? Oh Jeeze.. what do I do?
This blog is going to be, from this moment on, the most random peice of cyberspace ever. I am going to look around my room and talk about things.. What? I don't wanna go to sleep yet (even tho I am dead tired)..
We'll start with my reflection in the mirror. I don't like it. Well.. on second glance.. I guess I kinda do. Kinda. I hate smiling tho. With teeth. I still have a damn baby tooth and it looks so uneven, like someone knocked my lights out and I'm redneck Shelley. Oh.. My.. Hipvits.. I just got the shit scared right outta me! Damn cats... anyways. K so yah. I'm now bored of randoms so you can have your 8.00 back cuz this is lame-o. I'm so bored lalala. And I hope I sleep in until 3 pm tomorrow so I don't have to be bored for longer. Oh Granola.. I feel sorry for people who move to another city for college or a job or whatever and they know no one. I'd go crazy. Yes.. me crazy.. with my cats! *insert cackle here* Well.. I guess I'll go play some games on PoGo until I get bored of that too.

You Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone

So I was just on Facebook looking at all my old pics of Calgary and it almost brought tears to my eyes. I miss it there so much. I miss being happy, even with all the stresses of no money and no job. I loved how everyone was so carefree and nice. Well everyone I came in contact with anyways. I can't wait til July 7th to go home before the flight to Vancouver. I know I'm going on vacation to Van City but I think I'm a little more excited to go home for a day. Weird I know. Maybe it's cuz I know Calgary and I know where I'm going. I'm scared shitless to drive in Vancouver. I've never flown without my mom. Even though I've only flown once. Do one thing that scares you daily. I'm so excited to fly. I love flying. I wish I was going to like Italy or something just to be on the plane longer. Oh well. I guess the hour long flight will do. I can't wait to book the hotel and the rental and do everything. I can't wait! Well I guess I shall go to the AirCanada website and look at the flight prices. Even thought mine is covered, I still need to know.
Oh yah.. one more thing. I've been vegetarian for 46 days today! Woo! Go me!

Damn You're Beautiful

Some say love is not for sinners

I believe that isn't true

Cause when I was finished sinning

Love came down and showed me you..

Dying To Live Again

No one reads this anyways..

I'm done. I'm sick and tired of being in pain. Both physically and emotionally. I can't handle this anymore. Everytime I turn around, I seem to be pissing EVERYONE off. Maybe I'll juss end that then no one has to be upset anymore. Including myself. I could run away, move to another city by myself, but people would prolly juss hate me there too. It seems everything I do or say ends up biting my ass in the end. Even tho I do nothing to deserve it. I mean c'mon, my family hates me, I don't have any friends.. Maybe I am doing something wrong? Jacob, I know that you have a dark side as well and I want more than anything to be with you and I know that you could've been the one to save me.. but I don't deserve you. You are way to good to be with someone like me. I would only bring you down and I don't wanna make anyone else disappointed with me. I hope one day you will find out that I truly love you, not only for how talented you are, but for a brief time in my life, you bring a smile to my face with just the thought of you. Don't let anyone stop you. You are amazing.

Isn't it funny when you think you can trust someone with your life. They go on and on and feed you information that you don't wanna hear. They insist that they are angels in disguise and that they can do no harm, when in fact, they are the ones who hurt you the most in the end. So I wanna say thank you my dear blank, thank you for making me believe that you were on my side, thank you for pulling me up with your gracious hand while I was falling and telling me everything will eventually be ok but having the other one behind your back with your fingers crossed, thank you for making me smile day after day but cry night after night for all the bullshit you spread. Thank you for ruining my life. Don't worry, karma is my friend and when it comes around, I'm sure she won't be pretty.

Dosen't it make you sick to think of all the bullshit in the world, all the murders, beatings, rape? Sometimes I wonder.. what drives a person to go that far? Now I think I'm beginning to understand. Sounds kinda sick eh, yah, that's cuz it is. I would never go that far.. But I have came to a realization tonight. I wanted kids so bad in the past. I don't think I do anymore. I don't wanna bring up offspring who could get treated the way I have been, I don't wanna bring up offspring knowing that they will eventually yell "I HATE YOU MOM" to me because I wouldn't let them out past their cerfew. That would kill me. I wish my cats would stop looking at me. I wish I was a cat. Paris Hiltons cat. Fuck that, I wish I was Paris Hilton. Beauty, brains, money.. I wish. Or maybe Kim Kardashian, she's beautiful. I just wish I wasn't me.

I need to find a job tomorrow. I have one.. er, HAD one. I'm not going in tomorrow. I know that is the stupidist thing that I could possibly do right now, but I need time off. I need to collect myself. I'm gonna regret it I'm sure. I regret alot of things. Like being born...

..no one cares what happens to me so why the fuck should I...

It's Never Too Late

So as I sit here wondering where the hell this snow came from and why the hell my dryer dosen't work, I've realized that I'm getting happier. I don't know. Maybe it's because I have one shift left at Smitty's. Which is tomorro, er.. today. Alls I know is I am beyond excited to work at the Holiday Inn Express. Everyone that I met on the day of my interview was so nice. And Amber works there. I also get hotel discounts so that means when I go to Vancouver, the hotel will be cheap. And I won't even need help from Kristy. So all is good in that department. I have my flight paid for and a cheap hotel. It's time to get things under control. I am going to make a list (on paper) of who and what I owe money to and I am going to start paying it off. It's time to get my life under control. There is no way in hell that I am moving to BC with bills and money problems. I'm kinda tired but I have to wait for my laundry to be done. Damn dryer! I'm liking him more and more every day. I kinda had a weird preminition the other and and it was so weird. It actually came true. Plane crash. Nuff said. Anyways, this was kinda random and I have nothing else to say so I guess that I will go. Have a good night.

Cottage Cheese Is Tasty

It's been a while..

I think I am actually numb from all the emotional shit that has been surrounding me for the past 2 weeks. For once, the pain that's making me cry is physical pain. I shoulda went to the hospital tonight. As of right now, I just don't care. I know I'll change my mind by the end of this but that's ok. I'm in a mood. It's dark.. like outside. I hope you have fun in New York faggot bitch. I hope you have so much fun, you combust in explosive excitement. I'm serious. Combust. You'd do the world a favor. Oh, and when you're smiling that fake ass smirk and amazed by all the pretty lights, remember, I'm the one who had Tyra Banks tickets. Me, I'll just stay in this shit hole of a city, the one "God" forgot. Wait, forget it. God dosen't exsist. But I'll stay here. Maybe throw a little party. No wait, scratch that. No party. I'm always in pain to have fun. Quit my job. Done April 1st. Thank God.. er, thank my half eaten pretzel stick. Somehow need to find a money tree so I can pay for all my expenses.. like the back window of my car that some half wit fucknut decided to oh so randomly smash out. I hope it was fun. I hope you like the fact that you ruined that little part of my life. I hope the glass came back and cut your eye and lodged it's way up to that pathetic little excuse of a brain you have. I'm fine. I hate this place. Have I mentioned that before? I go to work again tomorrow. One of the many I have left. Almost done. Can't wait. Not gonna mention the "G" guy anymore.. the one that dosen't exsist. I'm cold. I'm numb. I'm hungry. It hurts. I'm gonna go. Find something to eat. I don't eat meat anymore. March 8th, 2008 I went vegetarian again. Happy birthday Gramma. I miss you more than you know. I wish I was with you. I'll make you proud. I promise. I'm going to school again. I love you.

Lifestyle Change

So, over the past few days I have done some thinking. It's time to change. I've been like this for way to long and it has gotten me no where and no one. Actually that's a lie. It's gotten me something.. PAIN. I'm sick of pain. I'm sick and tired of calling in sick cuz I can't move. I'm tired of cancelling plans with people cuz I'm to embarassed cuz the only way I can walk without pain is to waddle. I'm tired of walking into the skinny peoples stores and obsessing over how cute a skirt is and having the workers snicker behind me. Like maybe I'm looking at that skirt for a birthday present for someone. I know once I do (how Dane would day) a "lifestyle change", I'm gonna be hot. Not to be concided but it's true. Before I moved to Calgary and was on Weight Watchers I lost 22.5 lbs and could you ever tell. I'm 24.. I don't wanna "start" my life at 30. What fun is that? I wanna go back to school and get a career. I don't wanna waitress anymore. I can't handle it. I can't handle anything anymore. I am so depressed. I hate wearing a hoodie in the summer. I hate not doing stuff and juss sitting indoors.
So here is my pledge.
I, Michelle Schneider, vow that when I return from New York on March 31st, 2008, I will indeed start what friends refer as a "lifestyle change". I will return to being vegetarian, not only for the purpose of health, but for the purpose for animals. I will faithfully go to the gym as much as possible and follow a regime. I will NOT push myself too hard, I will go slow so my body dosen't strain. I will start to pay my way overdue bills off. I will start saving money for my upcoming trips and I will go see a councellor. I will look into a college career and start it once funds become available. I will be more happy and less cranky.
Signed, at the kitchen table of my house,
Michelle M Schneider

Danes vwhar =. Biurthday 2008

So tongiht was Danes bitthdaty and I just dgot home and I am so drunk,. Only 3 more weeks I'm going to New York. I hope to fo got mto New york in 2 qeekrs. Wait.. yes I am. We just had to walk hme adn it took so long. I lways thad to stop and take a breath acu z well I dont know. Asarahs frind has bme sweater. I need it back. That's my joper for woek, ===. I think it's time to dgo to slleep. Jocbob Hoggard is so fucking hot. I don't know whaty to y title this bllog. I have booher ins my nose, I drank so much., I don't know that what to do. I am so druink and I am so hungry and I m cold and I slent my sweater to someomnen t hat I don't know very welll and I don't know if I weveull eveergtt get it back, I have to go now... Ngood nite live.fe. I love yoi. I lobve you I lobe you!

The Only Thing That Should Run On You Are Your Feet, Bitch!

So today started out by waking up late.. like I knew would happen. I ended up finally hitting the road at 11 am. Way off of the 6 am start I wanted. None the less, I got into Calgary at a good time and I wasn't even speeding. Go me! We decided to go to the Anderson Station to catch the train down to the Passport Office and cuz of my leg, we missed the train by literally 2 seconds. Too bad concidering the train we did catch had some fuckin' drunk native cunt on it who tried calling me on and claiming that I was "looking at her husband". Fuck bitch, I was looking at the buildings. Then she continued to run her mouth about how "pretty girls like me are always looking at her husband. Go get a husband of your own" and blah blah blah. Yah that's right ya fuckin' junkie, like I want YOUR husband. Obviously he dosen't beat you enuf to knock some sense into your fucking alcohol hole. Stupid fucking douche cunt. I wanted to fuckin' take her out but thank god Cindy was there. I woulda fuckin' whaled on her so bad she wouldn't know Saturday from Monday. None the less, we made it to the Harry Hays Building, my hands still shaking with rage. I got my passport and I didn't even have to pay the express fee. I should have it between the 14th and 17th of March. 24 days til' I go to New York. Woo Hoo. Got Kernals and Mr. Sub and then I went to SouthCentre to get Jugo Juice and it was gone! They moved it upstairs and when we went to find it, they didn't have it set up yet. Like what the fuck! I want Jugo Juice and I want it now! I was gonna go to Chinook but then I remembered there was one in Deerfoot Meadows. Yah.. found it but, of course, it was closed. Jesus shit! Then the light bulb above my head went on again and I remembered there was one in Sunridge Mall... so up to the North we go. Got to Sunridge and *heaven music* there it is! FINALLY. SO needness to say, I got my Jugo Juice. After that, and missing our turn twice, we finally headed home.. er.. Medicine Hat. And so, here I am, Diet Coke beside me, the sound of keys from laptops and crunching of Kernals filling my ears and 3 weirdo cats and a dog who thinks he can fly running aimlessly around me, I am almost ready to end the day. Check Facebook like 2 more times, play a few games on MSN, check Facebook again, complain that my back hurts cuz I sat to long, then retire for the night. Sounds good. Ohh and drunk native cunt.. Have a good nite. Don't let the crack bite.

I Like New Things

I got a new laptop! Woot. Go me. I like it so much better than my last peice of shit. And the best thing of all.. it cost me nothing. Haha! My cat is in heat and oh god she won't shut up. When I get back from New York I have to get her fixed cuz this is gonna drive me crazy. I checked the Tyra Banks website again and still no tickets when we go. Oh well.. I'm gonna keep checking back and hopefully get some. I had a chance to get my hair done tonight and I couldn't go :( Booo! I wanted to get it done but I have WAY to much to do here. I'm so glad that I get to go home for a day on Friday. I miss it there so much. Jugo Juice and Mr.Sub. I'm gonna enjoy that after spending hours in the passport office. Ugh. I got my passport picture taken tonight and I kept getting this bad shadow. Thank god they fixed it. My dog is looking at me funny. Damn he's cute. Hayden Christensen is so effin' gorgeous but I still like Jakes. Anyways.. this is way short and sweet but I'm off.. time to go play some games haha.

World Bound

I decided to blog all the places I wanna go before I die. K here goes:

Canada

Vancouver (September 2008)

Edmonton

Regina

Winnipeg

Toronto

Montreal

U.S.A

Alaska

Los Angeles (was there in 1999)

Arizona

Las Vegas

Denver

Atlanta

New York

Florida

Hawaii

Chicago

Minnesota

Hot Exotic Places

Mexico

Jamaica

Domenican Republic

Cuba

South America

Costa Rica

Venezuela

Panama

Brasil

Europe

Spain

France

U.K

Italy

Greece

Romania

Norway

Sweden

Finland

Germany

Ireland

Denmark

Egypt

Asia

Japan

India

Oceania

Australia

New Zealand

Tazmania

Insert Title Here Cuz I'm Blank

So as I am sitting here listening to The Spice Girls, kinda makes me miss my past. I hate the fact of growing up. I miss the days of carefree and fun. Woot. Oh well. So I have successfully completed my 10 of 10. Thank God I have a day off tomorro. I was ready to blow something up if I had to work another day. I can't wait to go to New York. I paid Bonnie for my plane ticket. I am like 30ish bucks short for both Broadway shows but I'm sure I'll make that plus some on Sunday. Then all I owe is 398.68 to Meghan for the hotel. All the rest is mine. New York here I come! I am going to get my passport photo taken tomorro and then on Friday up to Calgary to get the passport. Time is going by so damn fast. I promise to write every night before I go to bed when I'm in New York. I'll also have tons and tons of pics on Facebook.
So it was another shitty day at work. Like usual. I'm going to Vancouver in July and then Hawaii in January. I need to travel. It's an addiction. I have a list of places to go. I wanna accomplish them. I will accomplish them. I need to wash my car. Good idea. Something to do on my only day off. Good riddence. Good night.

Sleepless In Seattle

Well.. I might not be in Seattle but I sure am sleepless. That's odd for me. Hmm? I have so many things on my mind right now. I wish for once things would fold into place. So just as always, the first 2 months have gone in this year. Where the hell does the time fly? Good thing is, I'm going to New York soon. Would it be bad to say that I haven't even applied for my passport yet? Probably hey. Once my licence comes in, up to Calgary I go. Might I add, this time, I'm getting Mr.Sub and Jugo Juice. I miss Calgary. I miss the tall buildings. I miss being happy. I hate Medicine Hat and all it's NOT worth. I hate my job. I swore to myself that I would be better this time and be the best I can be but it's drug me down so much. Mayza is staring at me like I'm on crack. The smallest of things are getting to me. Ugh. I hate it. And I also hate the fact that I'm craving ice cream. I've noticed lately that I'm always sad, negative and complaining. I really hope by me going to New York and having a "vacation" revives me. I also hope that I get tired soon so I can go to bed and then wake up and repeat all over again my wonderful life. I want ice cream. I think I've already said that. Yup.. sure have.

Good night moon..
Good night you..
I promise I won't hurt you like she did.

It's Time To Explode, My Valentine.

Welcome to my life, my life of a not so happy fairytale. Kinda contradicting to my title eh? Sometimes I just drift away to a place where everyone is happy and nothing bad is going on. Wouldn't that be nice to have that, tranquility every day. Wouldn't it be nice to know that everyone in the world is getting along. But of course, no matter where you turn, greed, backstabbing, murder, hatred.. it fills the streets like a caged animal let loose. Can a person actually have ONE good day where NOTHING goes bad? Maybe someone somewhere out there has experienced this phenomonon, but as for myself, I could only wish. Society has such a discusting image of what "acceptance" looks like. Not everyone was born with the "perfect" genes, or the fast metabolisim, or the rich parents that will buy you everything. We all bleed the same blood, we all feel the same skin, so why does it matter what color your skin is or what kinda clothes you are wearing? It makes me sick.

Kinda speaking on my own behalf now. I'm a server so I deal with a variety of people on a daily basis. Most of them old, (as I live in an old goat ville) make me sick with the "respect your elders" line. You know, maybe if the elders respected us younger people, it could go hand in hand. I am also sick and tired of people thinking just because I am a server, I am the dumbest fuck in the entire world, like I am a high school dropout with no future ahead of me. And they think serving is SO easy. Don't get me wrong, it's pretty slack compared to the demanding jobs out there but I would much rather haul ass in the oil field then deal with the cranky whiners who complain their eggs aren't over easy or heaven forbid, they got brown toast instead of white. But you know, women can't rig without their high school diploma but men can drop out of grade 8 and get hired right on the spot! (No hard feelings to all the testosterones out there) I would also like to see some of these pushy, cranky fucktards try to remember 9 tables drink orders in their minds, while balancing plates, manoevering around running children whose parents are to involved with their blackberrys to watch their offspring and dealing with the old goats who have asked for the 10th time for more coffee when in fact they've only taken a sip outta their cup and they know that I'm busy. I'll get to you. I know what I'm doing. Coffee is on it's way. Fuck off. I'm also sick and tired of people thinking that 4 quarters, 2 dimes and 7 pennies will pay your rent. Yes, I am bitching about my tips and yes you can comment me all you want but that is why I am in this industry. I could go work minimum wage wearing those golden arches and smelling like fry grease but I do what I do for the tips. Or lack of. Maybe it's just this city. Yup, I'm convinced. In Calgary, I made mad tips. I miss Calgary.

Kinda random and left unfinished but I'm done..